I used to be fat
by TheLordsArchDevil
Summary: Hi so I decided to write this story due to lack of creativity- and also because there aren't enough James with a nice mom fics so here is my creative protest. Enjoy. P.S I dont know if this is Angst or Hurt/comfort so it's listed as Angst. One-shot.


A/n Hi this is my first BTR fic and I don't know how long it will be but for now assume that it is a one shot.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own BTR. I love it- Just don't own it. I also have never watched the show I used to be fat so this is based more on a version of alcoholics anonymous.

"Hi, my name is James Diamond, and I used to be fat." I look around the circle and see some people who looked like they used to be fat and some that looked like they had been skinny, slender, average weight their whole life.

"Do you want to share some more with the circle James." Says the therapist, and I swallow the lump in my throat and nod.

"My parents had been trying for children and I was their miracle baby." I thought back to my first memory of my mother. She was still powerful back then but she is not as harsh as everyone thinks she is. She is just a tough cookie who had worked hard for the power she had and did not like to relinquish it. I smile softly. She had attempted to make a picnic lunch but everything blew up- literary. So I was covered in bits of chicken, she had flour on her face. Then she turned to me and smiled. "I guess we'll need another miracle for lunch." I laughed and she gently picked me up and started picking chicken off me. She then hugged me tight and told me that she'll always love me.

"I was a chubby toddler." I paused. "I had always liked to eat, and my nanny and mom indulged me. A cookie if I peed in the pot. Another cookie if I went to bed on time. A cupcake if I helped with dishes- I was rewarded with food for basically anything- not because they didn't want to give me anything else but rather because I always asked for food. I always ate- healthy obviously- I mean my mum does own a cosmetics company with its own personal board on dieticians and nutritionists, but I stil ate more than most kids."

I take a breath. "Kids can be ruthless and I was always called fat. I didn't let it bother me because my mum always told me I was perfect. Then I entered grade school. I was never invited to parties and so I begun to feel very lonely and I begun to eat my feelings of isolation and lonliness away" I saw some people nod to this as if they understood. I suppose they would I had heard some of them say similar things. "By the time I had entered middle school I was classified as obese- I weighed 85kg about the same as a full grown man. I had a ridiculous BMI and I had to have all my clothes specially made."

I chuckled "They called me the moving mountain, Mt Jamie, fat-fat-piggy-piggy, or just plain fat kid. I was bullied from my first day in grade school. Then it hit me that I wasn't okay as I was." I took a deep breath before I carried on. "I started some healthy diets- like the ones my mum liked to use after Hanukkah to lose the holiday weight. I lost weight but at a slow rate- it was healthy though and I could run up stairs and cold do some jumping jacks- though it took a lot of energy and I was always left sweaty and smelly afterwards, and my heart couldn't take the strain for too long. I realised that healthy wouldn't work if I wanted to be skinny. I kept eating normally to keep my parents off my back. I joined the pee wee ice hockey team and got let in because I was fat- and that was what the coach actually told me infront of my new teammates. The only people that didn't snigger were the people that would later on become my best friends." The therapist nodded for me to continue so I went into some of the ore incriminating facts.

"I started throwing up after I ate- that way I could still taste and enjoy the food but I didn't gain weight. My mother was angry at the school I went to because kids were beating me up- the likes. Actually she is the reason the school has Zero tolerance for physical bulling. But that didn't stop the name calling and the hurtful comments- it didn't stop people from hating me. I was still very lonely and depressed and on top of that the constant throwing up was burning my gums as well as exhausting me so I stopped eating. I was always telling my mum that I had eaten on the way home- she was the only person that I knew would really be hurt by me doing this to myself- my dad didn't really care about me- I was an embarrassment to him. Instead of going directly home I would always go to the park and go running. At first it was hard, then it got easier and easier and I got faster and faster- so I started tackling the library steps. A jog up became a run and slowly I was becoming thinner. But I was getting weaker. I only ate a small slice of fat free parmesan when I got hungry. I was really shedding the pounds but still people hated me. I had no idea what I'd done. I wasn't skinny yet but I wasn't too fat yet either. Then I found out that they hated me because of a rumour some **douche** had spread" I took a breath. "I was avoided like the plague, and so I became more depressed, however, I knew about anti- depressants being addictive so I found a substitute. I begun to cut my legs, and my biceps/ triceps. I looked like a ghost- pale, sickly but no one really cared enough to notice. Then I met my first best friend Carlos. He smiled at me one day, and that evening he even talked to me at hockey practice. He quickly helped me break through my "fat kid" mentality and try to make friends. Of course I didn't but Carlos was always there to make it all better. My parents divorce, my isolation, depression- everything, he was there. I felt less alone and less depressed because I had one true friend, but the self harm didn't stop just decrease on some good days."

I looked around the circle to see if anyone had lost me but they were all nodding along, some even looked like they knew that feeling of deep self hatred. I carried on.

"Then my mum found out. Everything. And it hurt- not because of what I had been doing to myself but because I had been lying to her for the last 2- 3 years, and because she begun to think that she was a bad mum. That made her a little clingier. I was entered into therapy, but I didn't really like the guy so it didn't work out. Eventually I started talking to my grandmother who was a psychiatrist and slowly I stopped cutting myself. It took time but I was able to let go of my self-destructive aphrodisiac. The self starvation took longer to let go of- even now I have days when I want to run around the city because I ate a steak, but slowly with my mothers help I was able to start eating healthy. I started with just one apple a day and when I got comfortable with that I started eating two meals- breakfast was juice and an egg white omelette on no crust wheat bread- and my eating slowly evolved. I started working out at a gym with a trained instructor that made sure I didn't go crazy on the weights, stationary bicycle etc."

I smiled " I started singing and decided I wanted to be a singer, and because of my therapy I was able to make new friends- but Carlos is my special friend because he was there with me through thick and thin"

I pressed my lips together and smiled at the therapist.

She smiled back at me and asked "So why are you here?" It was not rude just inquisitive.

"Because I want to be with people that have been there as well, and because now that I'm in L.A the pressure to be prefect has come down on me like the fat kid that I used to be."

She smiled then said "That's why we're all here. Stay behind after the session and socialise. If there is anyone who gets what it was like to have been you it is the people around you. Isn't that right!"

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am" The whole circle chorused whilst laughing. I looked from the tall Caucasian man I was pretty sure was a model because I had seen his face somewhere before, to the afro-Caribbean girl who had always smiled at me and I realised that I had been fat, but here I didn't have to hide or lie.

A/N Well done reader for finishing. You deserve a super chocolaty brownie. Was it okay? Review your observations- and also I am trying to write another fic based on the men of Tokio hotel- send ideas. Also send ideas for baby girl because my mind is not being very interesting and all the plots I think of feel dead.

P.S About the Carlos James thing I always end up thinking that the group pairs off with James and Carlos together as the "dumb" one and Kendall and Logan as the smart ones. But I think that that might be because they have more compatible personalities and maybe a deeper history- that I hope I have explored correctly in the above story.

Arch D out!


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